More ranting

Im sorry if this is all I seem to do but it seems like nothing lately has been going too well. I'm finally over my dad leaving. I have a job...an hours drive away but dammit it's work even if it's temporary. I might be getting my own place soon. I'm just so tired of my mom. I'm tired of every time she opens her mouth it's to either say something bad about my dad or preaching to me about God. I'm even tired of hearing her talk to her friends about God and how he's gonna provide for her. I'm tired of every time I turn around she's cleaning things that were clean to begin with. Well I think it was perfectly clean she thinks nothing is ever clean enough. She bitches at me if Im in my room all day on the computer. So because I was always so hot in my room anyways i came out to living room. Now she's bitching that I'm out in the living room and when Im gone my computer is out here. I cant win! I found a job...stocking and stuff but it's an hour away and now she's bitching (because I hit a deer one night) about it being too far. She was always like find something, I do and it's not good enough. She bitches that Im not doing anything with Jeremiah but dammit that kid just doesnt like to do anything I like and he'd rather be outside playing in dirt or playing video games. I mean come on he's a kid!! My only real friend lives two counties away and she works and is always busy so I dont get to go out and have fun like I would like too or like we use to. It's not easy right now and I honestly just cant deal with it. My mom needs to get over my dad, I know she still loves him but dammit he left her because he wanted too. Honestly Im starting to see why everyone leaves her. She wont stop bitching about everything. She bitches about everything!!!! She's always telling everyone what to do. She's always complaining about how everything isnt perfect. She's always preaching to everyone. I DONT CARE!!! I've learned over the years how to kill off my emotions. I have gotten to the point that once I say Im done with you and Im not going to care you can cry your heart our to me and I'll laugh at you for being stupid. Things in life hurt but you just have to deal with it and get the fuck over it! My mom spent days saying she's going to make me clean my room. Nothing is wrong with my room but because it's not spotless it's a complete mess and she's going crazy over it. The only problem with my room is that there are clean clothes on my bed that need to be put away, THAT'S IT!! She bitches I sleep in Jeremiah's room (he has two twin beds in there) but it's because my room is so hot I cant sleep. I need like 3 fans hitting me to keep me cooled enough to sleep well. I've tired to make things better for me and Jeremiah but it's not going fast enough. She needs to leave me alone. Jorge told mom he left the house because of her. Dad left the house because of her. I want to leave this house because of her. She cant see that the way she's treating people is what's wrong and why everyone she's ever loved and cared about has left her. Hell my own son wants to leave because she's always bitching at him. He's not even allowed to have a toy on the floor. Like if he's playing in the living room and walks away with toys left on the floor she will bitch about it and get the broom and sweep his toys outside and then bitch when he goes outside and gets them back. This woman does nothing else but bitch about EVERYTHING!!! Unless you are serving God you are wrong.I swear. I will cook something and I never like doing dishes as soon as I finish eating. I wait for it to settle first....noooooo she's after me about how the dishes need to be done and they better be done the right way. She bitches at me for not sweeping the house but thats because every time I do it she's bitching about how it's not done right and then she goes behind my back and sweeps again. So I just dont do anything.

Ok all Ive done is bitch about how my mom is always bitching so I think I'll quiet now.

Ranting

So Im going to do exactly what the title says: rant. Recently there have been some problems at him and it's so ugly no one wants to even look at anyone else. After many years of marriage my dad feels like leaving my mom just because he feels like it. He's an ass, that's how I think of it. I posted something on Facebook and totally got my ass chewed out. Out of respect for my mother, I took it down, but that doesnt mean it's any less annoying.

I have a lot of family on facebook and one of my family members and I got into it. Pretty much dad's family doesnt know what kind of man my father really is. I mean from what I've heard he's done this before to my mom and my cousin said that if my mom keeps letting him back then maybe she likes it! I mean come on, really? What woman really likes being used as a human punching bag?

I admit, all I do all day is sit on my ass, watch tv, and play on the computer all day but I also am a full-time student (wait, I have to explain something on that) and a full time mom and I'm working part time to help out around the house. Hell with everything that has been going on I actually had to put my schooling on hold because I cant focus on everything. I have so many things going on at home I cant think straight.

I mean I try not to pick sides but that's my mom and he doesnt need to treat her like that. The thing is he wanted to leave and not tell anyone that he's leaving. He wanted his family to think he's this great guy and he's taking care of his family.

I know that I'm old enough to be taking care of myself but right now there is just nothing out there for me. I dont want to move in with a guy and it not work out and have to move back in with my parents. I've been so worried with everything I've made myself sick.

With my dad bouncing back and forth between helping us and not helping us I've been worried my son and I wont have a place to live. I've spent the last few days calling about shelters and places for help. It's not like I have family to ask for help.

Rants of a crazed person

So for the last 6 or 7 weeks I was dating someone. Not getting into too many details but that relationship is no more. I wonder why is it that every time I try, I'm never good enough. I'm good enough to sleep with but never good enough to have a good relationship with. Maybe it from years of abuse by the hands of my own parents or many years of dealing with how society would want me. All I know is that I'm upset with this.

I'm not too upset the relationship is over, we weren't together long enough for it to really bother me. I love his easy out though, "You shouldn't have to change to be with me". And that made me think. I am the one that always changes in a relationship. I never ask guys to change because I knew what I was getting into when it started off. If I don't feel like the relationship is safe for me or my son then I just don't get involved.

Which led me to think, what's wrong with me? I don't lie (much about important things). I don't steal. I've never done drugs. I have never been in jail. Hell I have a clean driving record. Yes I live at home with my parents but that's only because I live in a small town and it's hard to find a good job I haven't already done. I make sure my son has food and clean clothes. I might not be the neatest person in the world but I know not to let place look like a hoarder is living there.

Sad thing is I'm happy with who I am. I feel comfortable in my skin and how things are. I don't have my total health (Shut up Shannon) but I not dying and I am able to do things. I feel like whatever is wrong with me is how I act but I always try to be myself and I guess being myself isn't good enough.

I will admit that two hours after he dumped me I was right back into the dating site but it was fun just looking. I don't think I'm ready to ship on board yet. Sometimes I feel like I won't fine what I really want. My "prince charming". Like he's not out there or I've already missed him. Then I start thinking about exes and wondering why those relationships didn't work. Was it me or was it something they did I couldn't handle. Most of them I wanted the out.

I don't know, after having Jeremiah I look more into who's gonna be a good male figure in his life. But then I go he doesn't need a father in his life because I do everything for him. I try to be everything he wants and more.

I'm sure most women will agree with me when I say "don't compare me to someone else". If she's what you want, why the hell are you with me? I hate being yelled at for showing sympathy when my son is sick. I hate feeling like I'm beneath you. I hate feeling like everything I do is wrong just because I'm not perfect.

Oh my Goddess, I want to cry. I feel like I'm never gonna be good enough to anyone. I'm perfect for me so why can't someone think of me the same way?

6 Voices, 4 Stations, 1 Person

Hello everyone!!

So I didnt get much sleep last night and for some crazy reason I'm in this mood to share a little more about me. A few posts ago I wrote about my depression and how things in my life are without my meds and all that good stuff. well this time i wanted to explain a little more about the craziness that is in my mind. As the title says 6,4,1.

6Voices:
I have 6 different personalities. Luckily, the meds suppress them. I have Fun Flirty Aidin. Sporty Aidin. Sexy Sultry Aidin. Business-like Aidin. Silly Aidin. And finally Crazy Depressed Aidin
Fun Flirty Aidin is a side of me that like to have fun and play around. Sporty Aidin isnt seen much...I'm just not that sporty. Sexy Sultry Aidin likes coming out lately...she likes to dress up and get attention. Business-Like Aidin is how I am at work or when I want to get things done. No nonsense, messing around kinda thing. Silly Aidin is seen too much, she is the one that likes to fool around. Crazy-Depressed Aidin is suppressed with all the different meds I'm on. She's not a good person to be seen.....she's phyco!

4Stations:
The 4 different stations is a strange thing in my head. I have the Talk Show, The Movie Channel, The PRBS (Puerto Rican Broadcast Station), and The XM Radio.
The Talk Show is where the different personalities are always talking. Plus Shannon is in there somewhere telling me to quiet doubting myself or something.
The Movie Channel is where I have movies playing at an almost constant play. Someone can say a line or something like that and I can have a movie in my head.
The PRBS, well that's the part of my brain where I can see TV shows all the time. Like TMC say a line and I can think of a show.
The XM Radio....hehehe I have music playing in my head so much.
So you can see why i have trouble sleeping. All of these stations playing pretty much at one time would drive a lot of people nuts.

1 Person:
I'm only one person and I have a lot of mental problems. I'm not handicapped or anything like that but it can get in the way. I've been dealing with this for years and I know it's not something most people talk about but I felt like I should express myself a little more. Actually I think I'm doing this post because of lack of sleep and a caffeine high. I want every0one to know that's ok. You're not crazy, as society will have people think, but different. My doctor has told me it's ok the have the different voices in your head as long as 1) you dont listen to them and 2) you dont name them. I think i'm doing good in that realm.

So there you go, a little more inside my head. Hope it entertained you.

Ode to....Her

My head

All I do is listen to myself
Listening to nothing at all
What really goes on in my head means nothing
Well, nothing to anyone else anyways

I have a problem with voices in my head
These voices don’t make me sad or angry
They are just different parts of me
Or the me I wish to be

I think about how the days go by
And I think about you
You have always brought a smile on my face
I guess that’s why the days aren't so long

When I’m around you
I don’t have to be anyone else
I can avoid the voices in my head
Because you already know each voice

You are the one that listens to me cry
You listen to my joy
You don’t mind when I talk to myself
Because you know what I have to say

The world is nothing without you
Well, you and some other people
But you are the reason I always smile
You are the mountain that never moves

I can only say this so many times
But each time it’s true
You are my best friend, my sister
I am this way because of you.

Shannon, I love you and even though I havent really spent time with you lately I know you're always just a phone call away. *hugs*

Jewelry Making

I have made a video with me making a pair of earrings. It's fun, it's easy and it's quick. My voice changes a bit but at some point it comes back to normal.

Enjoy.

Brownie Fun

So on this Spring Break I had to come up with ideas to make my son happy. We had a very night brunch on our picnic table, we played a little bit, we are about to have a nice picnic lunch but before that we made brownies. It was so much fun.

Had to use a good brownie mix to start us off.
Then add a 1/2 cup of oil.

1/4 cup of H2o

2 whole eggs

And some tunes. Lets face it doing almost anything is better with music.

My little helper added the oil.

He added the water.

Then he added the eggs. (I cracked them and put them in the measuring cup for him)

Doesnt that look great?!

Oh yeah we had a taste!

Look at the lushish batter.

30 minutes later...

Chow time!

Yes even I had to have one. It was soooo good!

There you have it! Our mommy and son moment in the kitchen.

Fun with the WebCam

tribute to my family

Love you Shannon and Logan!!

Depression

So a lot of you know I'm a depressant. Actually I'm very close to be bi-polor. I've had enough testing done to know Im not healthy mentally. I'm not violent but I can have my moments where I dont want you near me. Mostly because I dont want to lash out at you. My life has been a series of roller coasters since I was 12 years old. I was told I was depressed mainly because I had a shitty childhood. I'm not getting into detail of it.

I started seeing help at age 12. Age 14 I quiet because I felt it wasnt helping. Age 15 I went back on my meds and at age 16 I was put in a hospital (Baker Acted) because I wanted to kill myself. When I was 17, however, I was so damn happy. I love everything in my life. Until I turned 18. I was back off my meds and seriously depressed again but I didnt care. I didnt care if I lived or died as long as I got to live my life.

When I turned 23, I got pregnant with my son. I went to my doctor at the time and told him that I have a history of depression and I needed to be on something so I didnt suffer post pardom depression and risk hurting my son. I didnt realise how my life was on and off my meds until I went back on them.

I first started off on Lexapro, but my body got use to it and we switched to Prozac. It wasnt doing anything and now Im on Zoloft. On Saturday Jan 15th I did a prescription order. I was suppose to get it that Wed. I went Thursday but it wasnt ready. I returned Friday and I got my meds. I didnt check my scripts. Saturday when I was refilling my pill tablet I realized I didnt have my Zoloft. It was too late to call to get the script filled. I called Sunday and they said they were waiting on my doctor to fax over a script. Monday rolled around and I still didnt have my pills. Now it's Tuesday and my pills are finally ready to be picked up.

I noticed a few things while I was off....I'm not a happy person. My father came up to me to give me a hug and I almost slapped him across the face. I just didnt want to be touched. My son tried to get a hug and I pushed him away...again I didnt want to be touched. I couldnt sleep, had the worst kind of nightmares. I was in pain all over my body. I felt low. All in all I just wasnt a happy person.

Here's some signs of Depression:

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

1. difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
   fatigue and decreased energy
2. feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
3. feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
4. insomnia, early-morning
5. wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
6. irritability, restlessness
7. loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
8. overeating or appetite loss
9. persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive
10. problems that do not ease even with treatment persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
11. thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

1) I was good. 2)I was feeling it a bit. 3)I was feeling it. 4)Defiantly! 5)The wakefulness. 6)I was restless. 7) moving on lol 8) Im not sure which I was...I seemed to be the same. 9)like I said i was in a lot of pain. 10)anxiety 11)No suicidal thoughts...great!

I was thinking that one day what I would love to be is a motivational speaker of depression. I want to go to high schools and talk to kids and tell them that high is only 4 years of your life and life does go on afterwards. That the kids making fun of you in high school might not be worth crap when you see them at your 10 year reunion. I want them to understand that you can beat it, you dont have to let it beat you. I'm walking proof that depression cannot live my life. I make everything count...well at least to me. I also realised that with depression you can't make everyone happy. You have to be happy with who you are to make your life mean something. If someone doesnt like something you say or do just shrug it off and say "I'm sorry I can't make you happy but I'm not put on this earth to make everyone happy, just myself." It took me years to understand that. My parents are the MAIN source of my depression because I'm still, to this day, not good enough for them. I'm always doing something wrong. It took me years to understand I didn't hate my brother, I hate the way my mom treated me with him. I am the oldest so therefore I the one that always did everything wrong. I was suppose to teach him how to do everything. Well they're the parents, not me.

I want everyone to understand that not everything in life is not your fault. Sometimes, life is a bitch and you have to work around it. You have to make things happen and you have to move on no matter what. I was teased my whole life because of my weight but now I'm just like you either like it not..not my problem. Im happy and you cant bring me down because your life sucks.

I want everyone to know that this is not me preaching, this is me being me and telling you how my life is and how I have beaten depression and how I know I can live my life no matter who's in it and how they wish to bring me down. I will walk tall!

Explanation

And just so most of you know...I did get back on my pills.