So for the last 6 or 7 weeks I was dating someone. Not getting into too many details but that relationship is no more. I wonder why is it that every time I try, I'm never good enough. I'm good enough to sleep with but never good enough to have a good relationship with. Maybe it from years of abuse by the hands of my own parents or many years of dealing with how society would want me. All I know is that I'm upset with this.
I'm not too upset the relationship is over, we weren't together long enough for it to really bother me. I love his easy out though, "You shouldn't have to change to be with me". And that made me think. I am the one that always changes in a relationship. I never ask guys to change because I knew what I was getting into when it started off. If I don't feel like the relationship is safe for me or my son then I just don't get involved.
Which led me to think, what's wrong with me? I don't lie (much about important things). I don't steal. I've never done drugs. I have never been in jail. Hell I have a clean driving record. Yes I live at home with my parents but that's only because I live in a small town and it's hard to find a good job I haven't already done. I make sure my son has food and clean clothes. I might not be the neatest person in the world but I know not to let place look like a hoarder is living there.
Sad thing is I'm happy with who I am. I feel comfortable in my skin and how things are. I don't have my total health (Shut up Shannon) but I not dying and I am able to do things. I feel like whatever is wrong with me is how I act but I always try to be myself and I guess being myself isn't good enough.
I will admit that two hours after he dumped me I was right back into the dating site but it was fun just looking. I don't think I'm ready to ship on board yet. Sometimes I feel like I won't fine what I really want. My "prince charming". Like he's not out there or I've already missed him. Then I start thinking about exes and wondering why those relationships didn't work. Was it me or was it something they did I couldn't handle. Most of them I wanted the out.
I don't know, after having Jeremiah I look more into who's gonna be a good male figure in his life. But then I go he doesn't need a father in his life because I do everything for him. I try to be everything he wants and more.
I'm sure most women will agree with me when I say "don't compare me to someone else". If she's what you want, why the hell are you with me? I hate being yelled at for showing sympathy when my son is sick. I hate feeling like I'm beneath you. I hate feeling like everything I do is wrong just because I'm not perfect.
Oh my Goddess, I want to cry. I feel like I'm never gonna be good enough to anyone. I'm perfect for me so why can't someone think of me the same way?
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