Week 3

Week 1 Weight Loss

Welcome to week 1!

10 months to go and doing it 1 week at a time

I have many reason to lose weight. I'm 29 and weigh 240lbs. My goal is for out trip to Astroia OR I will be 150 or 170. I have 10 months to lose the wait and I need help. I need support. I'm doing a video journal to show how things have gone. This first one will explain everything as to why and how I plan on doing it.

Dont you just love poems?

I see you haven’t noticed
Noticed the way I’ve been
I see you haven’t seen
Seen whom I am
I try to hold back the tears you caused
But I know it’s no good
But I have been able to move on
For that, I thank you
The hole in my heart is starting to heal
The emptiness in my life is no more
I can see a light at the end of my tunnel
I can see a future for my life
You may not have seen what you’ve done to me
But I’ve seen what it can create
I’m only here to let you know how much I feel
Without even noticing, without even seeing
You have helped me become a stronger person
You have helped me live on
Even though you haven’t seen it
Even though you haven’t noticed
You are a reason I no longer stand alone
You are a reason I know how to go
I thank you for being around me
I thank you for being strong
I know without even trying, it was you
So thank you for not noticing
Thank you for not seeing
Nothing matters when I know
I know there is a silver lining
I was once hurt, but not anymore
I know I now can walk alone

Not a normal day

I'm sorry I have neglected my blog but I have had a few things happen to me. All emotionally. Dean and I broke up and that actually sparked a bite of anger in me for his reasons. I can't do anything about it and I just have to deal with it and move on. Which I pretty much have been trying to do. Shannon and I were gonna go on this trip next year but our funding has kinda gone downhill. She lost a job and I cant find one. Jeremiah has been his usual annoying self but that's normal of a 5 year old. However he has also been part of the reason I went into a mild attack. Too much happened in too short of a time and I couldnt deal with it and I kinda went a little crazy.

I've been trying to embrace my Wiccian religion but being scared of my skills for so long has made me worry about trying them now. No I dont cast spells and try to hurt people I'm more into sensing spirits and having vibes. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is because I have two friends that are helping me to understand it. It's not something I do for fun and games. This is who I am now.

For some reason I'm feeling very down today. I shouldnt because I had a good day but with me I always feel like something bad is going to happen. I'm suppose to be going to the beach this weekend...great beach weather over here, but i keep feeling like something bad is gonna happen. Maybe I'm just worrying over nothing but I know my feelings are normally right. (Wish I could apply them to boyfriends)

I believe whatever it is that got me in this funk needs to go away. I want to hang out with friends and I want to have fun. I need it. I've had an emotional train wreck this last month and I want to be able to sit back and do nothing but be with my friends and spend time with my son. So why do I feel like it's not gonna happen?

Sorry but like always my posts can be depressing. I tend to rant and dont realize I was ranting until it's too last and I'm too lazy to delete anything.

I'm that girl...a poem

I'm that girl...

I’m that girl that sits in her room all day
I’m that girl that waits by the phone for a call that never comes
I’m that girl that hates to be alone
I’m that girl that is use to being hurt
I’m that girl that never sleeps soundly
I’m that girl that wants to be the best friend to everyone
I’m that girl that wishes she could be somewhere else
I’m that girl that loves friends as if they were her family
I’m that girl that never wants to lose hope
I’m that girl that deals with too much
I’m that girl that will take on your burdens
I’m that girl that will always be at your side
I’m that girl that knows what darkness feels like
I’m that girl that gives in to love
I’m that girl that will let you cry on her shoulder
I’m that girl that will hold your hand if you need it
I’m that girl that will break down and cry when needed
I’m that girl that hates being hated
I’m that girl that doesn’t give a damn
I’m that girl that is willing to take a stand
I’m that girl that knows she’s that girl.

How much can one person handle?

I've been dealing with a lot of grief and most of it is things most people wouldnt think of anything too bad. I think everything that has been bothering me is mostly because my emotions have been on a roller coaster and it goes up slowly but drops down too fast.

Shannon has been a big help. She's been helping me forget everything that has been bothering me. She's been helping me forget for a few hours that I live in a house of hell and the person I love doesnt seem to love me back the same as before. I love her and she's got her own problems but like a good friend shes been helping me.

Dean and I are on a break but he says he loves me and he still wants to be with me but what really hurt me is that on our 1 year anniversary he completely ignored me. I wanted to know if he's seeing someone else or if he just doesnt want me so I can move on. I dont like being played around with cat and mouse games.

Jeremiah has unfortunately been on the receiving end of my anger. I've been trying to hard not to show him my pain or see me cry but sometimes he knows mommy isnt happy. He's spoiled so bad because of my parents and I think he will never show me the respect I really need. He trys to help but nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I dont want him to know what it's like to live in a house where no one cares about anyone and I fear thats the life he's living now.

Aside from Shannon I have a lil sister that has been helping me; Beth. She's helped me more on a spiritual level. She's even offered for me to live with her so Jeremiah and I can have a new life. Start over. I need something like that. I need to get away everything that is bothering and I know I wont be living in a poisoned home and Jeremiah will be away from the things that bring me down and make me not want anything to do with him.

Too much has been going on in my head that has made me fall back on things that I once thought were gone. I know now that it wasnt gone just dormant. Aside from Shannon nothing is keeping me here in Florida. I use to say that I couldnt be away from Dean but no seeing him in 3 weeks has gotten me to the point where I might as well say I'm a single women and start moving on. I want this to stop and I need move out of this circle.

My point is that I need a change and I need something to make me happy. I know Arcadia is nothing but a large dead spot for me. It's been doing nothing for me but bringing me pain.

More random crap

I was in the mood to show off some random pictures.

My son pretending to be a rabbit.

Yes that is PINK chicken. My mom was cooking and used too much grape juice turning the chicken pink.

Jeremiah's first day of Kindergarden. Isn't he cute?

She said what?

I was walking around the house and I noticed it was too pretty outside to be stuck indoors. I step outside and I felt a wet breeze. I texted Shannon and accidentally reported that I'm hugh off the feeling. With my ablity to booberly say things reminded me that my chicken muffin was not with me. I felt like a complete twidiot. I return inside where I chuggled after Jeremiah said saomething. I forget the outdoors and thought I could JPosh it and played around n the computer.


I thought I never really use my Aidinisms so I made up a paragragh using pretty much all of them.

Makes me chuckle

This song makes me laugh everytime I hear it. I love Katy Perry!

Peacock:

Katy Perry

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Verse 1
Word on the street, you got somethin' to show me, ee
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee
I'm intrigued, for a peek, Heard it's fascinating

Words are mislead
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it's beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a bow

Pre-Chorus
I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
What you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock


Verse 2
Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
Brake me off, if you bad, show me how's the boss
Need some goose, if you lose, come on take a shot

Pre-Chorus
I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
What you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Oh my good no exaggeration
Noy all this time was worth the waiting
I just shared a tear
I'm so unprepared
You've got the finest architecture
And on the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And it's all for me

Im a bookwarm, I know it continued

So about 2 or 3 posts ago I wrote about the books that are coming up in the next few months that I will be getting myself lost in. I seem to have forgot these.

Torment by Lauren Kate. This is the second book to Fallen. This one actually isnt a vampire novel...it's more fallen angels. Really good but hard to tkeep up if you dont pay attention.

Release date: Sept 28th 2010

Hey Shannon the next in the Evernight series is coming out in March 2011. It's called After life by Claudia Gray.

Release Date: March 2011

This is Crescendo by Becca Fitzpatrick. This the second book of hush, hush...another fallen angel novel.

Release Date: Oct 19th 2010

This is too many books coming out in the next few months. I"m gonna be lost for a while.

darkness

I really hate feeling like I'm not good enough. Kinda hard since I've been feeling like that since I was a kid. My parents always expected too much out of me and then when I do something it's always "about time". I always get the run around when it come to things I care about. I'm never good enough. I blame my family for my depression and weight gain but really Im just weak. I try to act tough but deep inside everything bothers me. I love how I'm use to people disappointing me. I love how Im use to be let down. It may sound wrong but Im use to being in a room with my family and not caring about them. Maybe it's from all the years of abuse I suffered with or maybe it's from losing any love I have for them. My parents could try hugging me and I feel repulsed. I dont want them near me. I hear "I love you" and I cringe because I dont feel it back.

I feel like Im a stranger in my own body. I dont know who I am or what I'm doing. I dont care about anyone....this includes my son sometimes. I dont even want to have him near me or touch me or say hi to me. I want to be utterly alone. I guess I can contradict myself on that but I love my son, he's whats keeps me going but then again I cant stand him in the same room as me.

I know Im not the poster child of happiness. I really shouldnt be bitching about anything. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach but yet it's not enough. I have no bills to pay and nothing really holding me back but it's never enough without someone at my side. Jeremiah can only bring so much to the table. I need my friends and I need my boyfriend. I just cant help it when I feel like Im never good enough to be happy. Like I'm not suppose to be.

On the flip side, I cant be alone either because I start to think. Thinking is really bad for me. My depression gets load when I'm alone. I've been suffering with it since I was 12. Here I am 29 and still dealing with shit I was dealing with then. Only difference now I'm on a lot more medications and much strong shit. I still have thoughts every now and then. I still think life isnt worth it. I have even thought that if I was gone Jeremiah could collect SSI on me and he would be set. But then I remember that he would never have me when he gets older and I will never see him grow up and be the man I want him to be. Jeremiah really is my reason to live. I do everything for him.

I want to point out that this my blog and I will rant and ramble any way I choose. I've had a lot of hard thoughts hitting me these last few hours and it all started with a family I can't stand. I was happy working on my blog with Shannon...well our blog...but then I got in a fight and I didnt want to deal with anyone anymore. I wanted to talk to my man but he's always seems too busy with his life then to spend five minutes on the phone with me just to see how Im doing. I need to rant and this is the best way for me. I have to get everything out otherwise I will fall in a dark depression that nothing will get me out of. And I'd rather not be hospitalized again for it. That shit sucked. So you'll have to just ignore this post and move along or read comment and tell me you know how I feel when you really dont. I just needed to rant!

I'm Still Alive

So I was all happy go lucky earlier and then I got knocked down fast by my parents. Mostly people know about the poison my parents inflict on me. Every time I get sad or depressed I listen to music. These are just three songs I listen to all the time. The Saving Abel I'm still Alive I seem to cry every time I hear it. it really hits me.

Saving Abel
I'm Still Alive lyrics


It's morning, and I feel it,
All the sins I was in last night.
Dear Jesus, please save me,
'Cause I think I've fallen down into the depths this time.
Am I dreamin' or still sleepin'?
I wonder if I'm ever gonna make it out.

Now you're gone, and I'm here,
And I feel so bitter.
Waking up alive, another day.
It never seems easy
When you'll find, another day.
Where I looked at what I'm facing,
Don't know if I can take it.
I could scream out loud,
But I'm wasting my time.
This pain only reminds me, I'm still alive.

Now these feelings, they're creeping,
Like a chill crawling up my spine.
It's lonely, it's not easy,
Coming home all alone each and every night.

And as time goes by, I feel so bitter.
Waking up alive, another day.
It never seems easy
When you'll find, another day.
Where I looked at what I'm facing,
Don't know if I can take it.
I could scream out loud,
But I'm wasting my time.
This pain only reminds me, I'm still alive.

Don't wake me up, if there's gonna be hell to pay.
All the weight of the world keeps pushing me down.
(Pushing me down)
So, just let me sleep,
Even if I'm in too deep.
Keep me locked in my dreams,
So I can't get out. (I can't get out)

It's been so hard, but I'm doing much better.
Waking up alive, another day.
It never seems easy
When you'll find, another day.
Where I looked at what I'm facing,
Don't know if I can take it.
I could scream out loud,
But I'm wasting my time.
This pain only reminds me, I'm still alive.
This pain only reminds me (I'm still alive)
This pain only reminds me (I'm still alive)
I could scream out loud,
But I'm wasting my time.
This pain only reminds me, I'm still alive.

Katy Perry
Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em falling down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em falling down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em falling down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon


This song is more of how I feel for either my son or my man.

Saving Abel
I Need You lyrics

Love me not Love me do
Whatever you want it's your right to choose
Breaking the silence in haste of the day
Screamin out loud just to hear me say

I need you
Like the sun needs the rain
Can't think of any better way to say
I need you say you need me too
Who needs you Baby I need you

Can't chase this dream if I don't know what you mean
Cause we're worlds apart we can't change who we are
So lets break all the silence in the haste of the day
Scream out loud let me hear you say

I need you
Like the sun needs the rain
Can't think of any better way to say
I need you say you need me too
Who needs you Baby I need you

Oh woah woah Oh woah oh oh

I've been giving (a little bit more)
You've been taking (a little bit more)
A little bit more than what I offered to you

You keep taking (a little bit more)
I keep giving (a little bit more)
A little bit more is all I can view

Who needs you I need you

I need you
Like the sun needs the rain
Can't think of any better way to say
I need you say you need me too
Who needs who Baby I need...

I need you
Like the sun needs the rain
Can't think of any better way to say
I need you say you need me too
Who needs who Baby I need you

I need you

Im a bookwarm, I know it.

So starting September I will be lost to the world of books. I indulge myself in getting lost in the crazy worlds I read. Oddly enough the next five books I want to read are all about Vampires. I want to reiterate that I have loved vampire novels since I was in my teens and I did not fall into it because of Twilight and Vampire Diaries, which, by the way, I haven't read.

I've read the Twilight books because I got sucked (no pun intended) into the whole love triangle and how someone could fall in love with two different people and still know who she is. The Vampire Diary books I have not read because I am watching the TV series and do not wish to spoil anything. Same goes for the True Blood books. Yes I know they are not called that but it's the series itself I will not read while the series is still running on TV.

Which brings me to my first book: Last Sacrifice by Rachelle Mead. I came across this series by accident. I was looking at books in Walmart and saw them. I, having no money at the time, went to the local library and borrowed them. I was happy when Rose and Demetri finally got together but I love Adrian much more. Shannon says I have this thing for the seceond boyfriend. Where I find them more appealing.

Release Date: Dec 7th 2010

Ok Dark Peril by Christine Feehan. This is a Carpathian novel and is between Dominic and Solange. I'm not the best fan of this series but I have read pretty much ever book.....and there's a lot of them. Shannon is more into this then I am.
Release Date: Aug 31st 2010

Now we have Eat Prey Love by Kerrelyn Sparks. This book is mostly about Carlos Panterra. I'm afraid to admit I don't know too much about this book but the series is great for another vampire/were-something book.
Release Date: Sept 28th 2010

Now this is what I'm into. Born to Bite by Lynsay Sands. IT is between Eshe d’Aureus and Armand Argeneau. In the last book we were left with a cliffhanger to why all three of Armand's wives have died. This one should tell us the answer.
Release Date: Aug 31st 2010

Finally; Hungry for you entails the story of yet another Willan sister falling in love with another member of the Argeneau/Rouge Hunter series. So finally we have sister Alex falling head over heels for Cale Argeneau. Not much has been said about Cale. I believe this is even the first his name is said but is the older brother of Decker Argeneau-Pimm.
Release Date: Nov 30th 2010

There you have it...the next five books I will burying my head in for the next four months.

Another dumb Aidin statement...

This is only a part of a conversation I was having with Shannon on yahooIM. We were talking about going to see the Northwestern crew when they make port in Florida again this Dec between seasons.

Din: so if we go in Dec r we gonna find babysitters
Shannon: Prob. At least try
Din: I would love to roll in with my NW shirt and CM sweater
Shannon: Lol
Din: *pop collar* big pippin
Shannon: Pippin? Like lord of the rings?
Din: no Pimping only cooler...lol ok it was a typo

Sad thing is: this happens to me A LOT!

Another poem of pain

Don’t Cry

I hate to see you cry when you think you’re alone
I hate to be the one to wash away the tears
I know sometimes it hurts too much
But sometimes it’s not that bad
I know things may seem rough and hard
But this time I think you will make it
I don’t like to see you when you’re sad
I know in my heart that you don’t want to show it
I know inside of me you are a good person
I wish I could be with you and help you when you need it
I hate to see you cry when you have no reason too
I hate it even more when I can’t help you
Things are not what they always seem
You always see how things are going wrong
But not everything goes that way
You are only you and that’s all that matters
You are my friend and my sister
I know I’m miles away and I can’t give you a hug
But I know that with just one phone call I can make you smile
You are just one person
Don’t be so hard on yourself
I hate to see you cry when it’s not your fault
Please remember that people love you
Please remember that I’m always here for you
You are my best friend and my confidant
I don’t want to know you’re sad
So please don’t cry.

Yet another poem

The Joys of Two Hearts

On this day I wish I could hold you
I wish that everything doing nothing will do
For things are tough right now
But thinking of you relieves the frown

I hope that with my heart you hold
That things will never unfold
You bring a smile to my face
And always treat me like a special case

You are my everything, my joy
I don’t even have to play coy
Just when the love is fading
I realize why we’re dating

You help my needs
You help me with any deeds
Next to my child I see it clear
That you have no fear

I have two special men in my heart
It’s almost like Cupid’s dart
I cannot see my life without either
And I know I couldn’t in theirs neither

The joy and laughter you bring me
Is what will always be
You drive me nuts
But that’s because you’re a klutz

All I ask for you
Is for you to love me too
I’m happiest when you’re happy
Because on this day you sound sappy.

Channeling Busy Bee

So I've been watching a lot of TV lately, bored out of mind, and the commercial for painter's tape keeps coming on. I liked the squares the lady did so I thought I'm gonna do it with some of the left over paint we had. During the entire time I was thinking "I wonder how Lauren would do this?" I'm not joking.

So this is now my computer corner pre paint. Plain blue and tan walls.

Pretty Blue wall!

Another boring beige.

This wall I wanted to do something different since it's almost all ways covered with the door.

That's right! I added yellow paint to the blue walls and lavender to my beige wall.

See that lil bit of yellow? Yeah that were Jeremiah tried to help paint. Not a good idea.

Blue and yellow!!

I liked the checker board pattern.

Finished product!I love my son's school picture.

I noticed the yellow was crocked, dont care. And yes I put my mirror that low. I've had that thing for a year and it's been in my closet bc I didn't know where to put it. I had to use the bathroom mirror. Not flattering.

There is my son's first Christmas and me back in high school. I think it came out pretty good.

I did this with his cap bc I'm a proud mommy.

However...

I added his sash and it just looked better.

So there! That is what I have been doing today after I washed a load of clothes. Now I'm going to finish cleaning my room, eat dinner, make the bed and get my lil ready for bed. Wow I really did a lot today.

A Poem of Pain

Dark Room

I sit alone in a place I hate
I think of things we create
I wonder in this life of mine
Wondering if everything will be fine
I hate the sadness and sorrow
But I cant live my life this hollow
When I think of what you’ve done
I think back to how things were fun
We use to laugh and make jokes
That was before I got deadly pokes
I know how things are for you
But sometimes the love is few
You can say for us to wait
But the reality is the bait
I know this now I cannot follow
I know that we live in sorrow
I sit alone in a dark room
I just want to beat you with a broom
The love I have is always there
I just hope you can be fair
I want you to know I will always care
I just hope you can take my dare
Will you want me in the end?
Will I be able to send
The love you want in me
For us to once again be
I sit alone in a place I hate
I think of the things we create.

I've had a lot happen in the last few days and this seemed to sum it up.

Long overdue

I'm sorry I havent been around but things have gone a little crazy for me. Mostly, taking care of Jeremiah. That takes up a lot of my time. Also I've been sick again. Sinus infection again. I swear I should just invest in sinus cold medicine, I'd be rich. But I have been dealing with a lot of things. I found out my grades were as good as I would have liked so I have to miss a semester of classes. Jeremiah's father is back to being his usual "Im pissed of at you so to get back at you Im not helping with our son" mode. Thats a topic I can sit here all day complaining about. Plus now i need to look for work but between my car acting up, having no money for gas and no one hiring it's not that easy.

I try never to ask for anything that I dont need. Once in a while I try to make things easy for my parents but they seem never to be satisfied. I wondered for years why I was like that. So I'm gonna ramble. Im lucky I have Dean, Shannon and Jeremiah in my life but my parents have really ruined things for me. All my life I hear how everything I've done is not good enough and how Im never going to be anything. So when I dont do anything or even try to make things better for me they get pissed off. They dont see that they are making the same mistakes with my son that they made with me and they get pissed when I want to discipline my child and correct things I know lead to why I am the way I am. No instead I get it thrown back in my face about how I use to be and Jeremiah is my punishment for how I was when I was his age. I hate when I try to do something Im the bad one. My son is so use to getting his way that now they are wondering why he doesnt listen to anyone and why he's a big butthead. Sorry but it's true. My son really does add to the stress levels I have and why Im under so much medication.

Now to Jeremiah's father. As most of you know I hate this man. He has 7 children, including Jeremiah and only helps with 1 because his girlfriend forces him to. He never does anything because he wants to but because he has too. He doesnt pay child support so we go to court and he get arrested but some how it's my fault. Jeremiah use to go with him every other weekend but now he's stopped because I said he owes me money. he thinks not paying me hurts me. He doesnt realize it hurts our son and it will come back to him later when Jeremiah is old enough. I hate that my parents have to help me when it's his job to take care of him. I hate that I have to do it alone. I really hate that when I want to go out for a little bit I cant but he's free to do what every he wants because he's a man. What really drives me crazy is that he thinks he can come and go whenever he feels like it and Jeremiah should automatically give him respect and that he's not allowed to call any other man father. Im sorry if he would step up then someone else wouldnt be near me helping me control Jeremiah.

Now to lighter news. Dean and I have been together for 10 months and i swear it feels like we just got together. I love him more then I think I have anyone else and I thank the Goddess for bringing him into my life. Shannon and I have been friends for almost 11 years next month and I swear to all that's holy we can't get rid of each other. Even though she and I have come to the conclusion that just because we're best friends doesnt mean our sons will be. Jeremiah and Logan hate each other but we force them to be together. Jeremiah makes me crazy and i have my moments where i want to beat the hell out of him but I go to the corner take a few breaths, calm down and then try talking to him. He does things that sometime I wonder what my life would be like without him but i quickly chase those thoughts away. I cant live my life without my son, he's everything and beyond to me.

Now that I've ranted and let some things off my chest I can go now. I dont know what I need but I know that without my friends and Jeremiah I would go crazier then I already am.

I love you all!

Happy Birthday Lil Man!

Happy Birthday Jeremiah.

5 years old today and you're already making me feel old.

I want to make it known...from the car ride from WalMart to my house (which is about 5 miles away) the cake melted. It was that hot outside.

Grandpa's lil guy wore his New Harley-Davidson shirt to school. He looked pretty good in it for his birthday party at school.

The kids were so happy.

Then today we went to....that's right SunSplash!

Look it's Logan and Jeremiah playing around.

Having a light snack....all the playing around made them hungry.

Oops...Shannon is in the picture. The boys had fun going down the little slide. They really wanted to go on the big slides.

Needless to say: I'm burned, Shannon got burned, my Dad got burnt, but the boys didn't. Ah the magic of SPF50 for kids.

6:30 AM and feeling girly?

Thank you to whomever read last night's rant. I really just needed to get things out of my head. It was the weirdest thing. I woke up early this morning and I did it on my own. I actually woke my kid up. We I was thinking about what to wear today and all I could think about was either a dress or a skirt. Then my mind started going towards make-up and hair. Like I said I woke up girly. So these are a few poses after I did hair and make up.

I trying to go for the whole I have a secert look. Dont think I pulled it off.

As you see I chose my green dress. Shannon always says this dress looks good on me.
Couldn't have a post without lil Man. He was in the room the whole time telling me how pretty I looked.

I kinda like this one. But for some reason I know I was smiling but I look depressed. Time to practice in front of a mirror again.

Dont know about this one but I like the background.

A list of many things

So I'm sitting in bed looking at me kid and thinking why the hell am I not asleep at 10PM and after taking an Ambien? Answer: Too much on my mind. Like I'm sick, my kid is going to turn 5 in seven days, I'm almost a year closer to being 30, and other things that go along with it. So I figured I'd make a list of things that keep me up at night and then a list that makes me happy enough to go to sleep and want the next day to get here already.

Things that Keep me Awake

1. I'm sick, still. I'm always sick and it's always the same thing. Bronchitis and Sinus Infection.
2. My son is going to be 5 years old. I no longer have a baby I have a Kindergartner!
3. I'm going to be 29 this year. I couldn't wait to turn 20 because it brought me closer to drinking but what's after 30?
4. The fact that I'm so over my parents telling me what to do with my own son. Hey you didn't raise me too well so you don't have to the right to say shit to mine.
5. The fact my family never talking to me or my Dad. Mom's side talk to her all the time but Dad's side seem like they careless what we can do.
6. Dealing with a Deadbeat Dad. It's on thing if I get lied to but when you start making promises and breaking them to my son; we're gonna have issues.
7. The fact that I don't care about the family I grew up with. My brother keeps to himself. Dad lives in his own world. Mom..well Mom would be a nun if it wasn't for kids and a husband.
8. That it doesn't matter how hard I try to make things better for me and my son, it's never enough. Go do this but then when I'm doing you say you should have done that.
9. My short attention span. I get bored easy and then I'm looking for something new and don't care about anything else till later.
10. I hate having so many fears over so many things. IE relationships and my weight. I'm not ugly inside or out but sometimes the lil voices of my past wont shut up and let me live.

Things that Make me Happy

1. Jeremiah. I love my son no matter what he does or says. He will make me think about tearing his butt with a belt but I would feel so guilty about it I could never do it.
2. Shannon. My heterosexual lifemate. She is like a part of my soul that I could never get rid of. She helps keep my head leveled and always brings a smile on my face.
3. Dean. Where do I start? He sees me for the beautiful person I am both inside and out. He helps me with Jeremiah. And mostly I can never stop smiling when I think of him.
4. Logan. He says the cutest things something that you cant help yourself but to look at him and go: Where did that innocence go in us? He just makes you giggle.
5. The Vampire Diaries. It has something to do with Demon and Vampires.
6. True Blood. Again Vampires but they're southern Vampires.
7. Deadliest Catch. I'm going to admit it....WAY TOO MUCH EYE CANDY!!! That and I'm always wondering if it's worth it in the end.
8. My reading. I do read a lot of things but as of lately I've been reading a lot of Vampire books other that Twilight. Newest book I'm reading has to do with Fallen Angels.
9. Swinging on the hammock. It's a nice cool breeze blowing. You have a cold drink in one hand and the other is shuffling through an MP3 player.
10. Looking at the day that I will be in a cap and gown getting my college degree. Knowing that all the hard work I put in was well worth it.

BBL Headbands and Me

So I'm in love with Busy Bee Lauren's headbands. I think they look really nice and I can almost aways find something to wear with it. So Shannon got some for us and I thought I'd borrow hers and have a photo shoot on myself with them. Don't get me wrong, Im no photogragher but I think I did pretty good. So here you go....

Thank you Shannon for lending me your headbands and Thank you Lauren for making them.

A post 5 years in the making...

Come June 6th, my son will be turning 5 years old. I was looking at old pictures and remembered how tiny he was. Children do grow up fast and if you don't pay attention, you will miss something. Jeremiah was born at 8:02 AM on a Monday morning. 8lb 7oz and 21in long. As you can see he had a cleft lip when he was born. I didn't care. He was mine and I loved him.

This is one of his very first pictures. He was a few hours old.
This was when he was brought home. I remember bringing him was such an overwhelming experence. I'm a first time mom and if it wasn't for the help of my parents I dont know if I have handled everything I did. They watched him so I can take naps and they helped me out so much when I needed them for anyting.

He's so cute. He was much of a handful back then.

This has got to be one my favorate pictures of him.

There is his lip again. He had surgry for it on October 31st, 2005.

LOOK SHANNON!!! Jeremiah and Logan when they liked each other. Back when they were so cute it made you sick.

This was a hard pitcure to take bc he doesnt like to stay still for anything. This was just luck. (He's thinks he's innocent)

Jeremiah's first chrismas. Yes I dressed him up as Santa. The boy sitting next to him is his nephew Isaiah. Yes nephew...Jeremiah is an uncle and he's not even 5 yet.

Very first birthday! He was so happy to see cake.

His Baptism.

Jeremiah playing around. Him and his bunny face.

My thug boy. Momments like this makes me wonder if I need to nail his window's shut when he gets older.

Just "Goofing" around.

Those were my ears from GradNite....he wont give them back.

This is soooooo cute. He's in footed pjs watching TV.

Always smiling.

His first trip to the zoo.

His first pair of glasses.

Jeremiah drives me crazy and makes me want to bang my head againest the wall but no matter what i love him and could never see my life without him. He is my everything. He's the reason I smile, my purpose to wake up, my drive in life, and he's all mine. i may share him with other people like family and friends but that will never come between me and my love for him. Soon he'll be 5 and he'll be going to kindergarden and going to big boy school. He's not a baby anymore but that doesnt chage the love I have for him.