darkness

I really hate feeling like I'm not good enough. Kinda hard since I've been feeling like that since I was a kid. My parents always expected too much out of me and then when I do something it's always "about time". I always get the run around when it come to things I care about. I'm never good enough. I blame my family for my depression and weight gain but really Im just weak. I try to act tough but deep inside everything bothers me. I love how I'm use to people disappointing me. I love how Im use to be let down. It may sound wrong but Im use to being in a room with my family and not caring about them. Maybe it's from all the years of abuse I suffered with or maybe it's from losing any love I have for them. My parents could try hugging me and I feel repulsed. I dont want them near me. I hear "I love you" and I cringe because I dont feel it back.

I feel like Im a stranger in my own body. I dont know who I am or what I'm doing. I dont care about anyone....this includes my son sometimes. I dont even want to have him near me or touch me or say hi to me. I want to be utterly alone. I guess I can contradict myself on that but I love my son, he's whats keeps me going but then again I cant stand him in the same room as me.

I know Im not the poster child of happiness. I really shouldnt be bitching about anything. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach but yet it's not enough. I have no bills to pay and nothing really holding me back but it's never enough without someone at my side. Jeremiah can only bring so much to the table. I need my friends and I need my boyfriend. I just cant help it when I feel like Im never good enough to be happy. Like I'm not suppose to be.

On the flip side, I cant be alone either because I start to think. Thinking is really bad for me. My depression gets load when I'm alone. I've been suffering with it since I was 12. Here I am 29 and still dealing with shit I was dealing with then. Only difference now I'm on a lot more medications and much strong shit. I still have thoughts every now and then. I still think life isnt worth it. I have even thought that if I was gone Jeremiah could collect SSI on me and he would be set. But then I remember that he would never have me when he gets older and I will never see him grow up and be the man I want him to be. Jeremiah really is my reason to live. I do everything for him.

I want to point out that this my blog and I will rant and ramble any way I choose. I've had a lot of hard thoughts hitting me these last few hours and it all started with a family I can't stand. I was happy working on my blog with Shannon...well our blog...but then I got in a fight and I didnt want to deal with anyone anymore. I wanted to talk to my man but he's always seems too busy with his life then to spend five minutes on the phone with me just to see how Im doing. I need to rant and this is the best way for me. I have to get everything out otherwise I will fall in a dark depression that nothing will get me out of. And I'd rather not be hospitalized again for it. That shit sucked. So you'll have to just ignore this post and move along or read comment and tell me you know how I feel when you really dont. I just needed to rant!