Rants of a crazed person

So for the last 6 or 7 weeks I was dating someone. Not getting into too many details but that relationship is no more. I wonder why is it that every time I try, I'm never good enough. I'm good enough to sleep with but never good enough to have a good relationship with. Maybe it from years of abuse by the hands of my own parents or many years of dealing with how society would want me. All I know is that I'm upset with this.

I'm not too upset the relationship is over, we weren't together long enough for it to really bother me. I love his easy out though, "You shouldn't have to change to be with me". And that made me think. I am the one that always changes in a relationship. I never ask guys to change because I knew what I was getting into when it started off. If I don't feel like the relationship is safe for me or my son then I just don't get involved.

Which led me to think, what's wrong with me? I don't lie (much about important things). I don't steal. I've never done drugs. I have never been in jail. Hell I have a clean driving record. Yes I live at home with my parents but that's only because I live in a small town and it's hard to find a good job I haven't already done. I make sure my son has food and clean clothes. I might not be the neatest person in the world but I know not to let place look like a hoarder is living there.

Sad thing is I'm happy with who I am. I feel comfortable in my skin and how things are. I don't have my total health (Shut up Shannon) but I not dying and I am able to do things. I feel like whatever is wrong with me is how I act but I always try to be myself and I guess being myself isn't good enough.

I will admit that two hours after he dumped me I was right back into the dating site but it was fun just looking. I don't think I'm ready to ship on board yet. Sometimes I feel like I won't fine what I really want. My "prince charming". Like he's not out there or I've already missed him. Then I start thinking about exes and wondering why those relationships didn't work. Was it me or was it something they did I couldn't handle. Most of them I wanted the out.

I don't know, after having Jeremiah I look more into who's gonna be a good male figure in his life. But then I go he doesn't need a father in his life because I do everything for him. I try to be everything he wants and more.

I'm sure most women will agree with me when I say "don't compare me to someone else". If she's what you want, why the hell are you with me? I hate being yelled at for showing sympathy when my son is sick. I hate feeling like I'm beneath you. I hate feeling like everything I do is wrong just because I'm not perfect.

Oh my Goddess, I want to cry. I feel like I'm never gonna be good enough to anyone. I'm perfect for me so why can't someone think of me the same way?

6 Voices, 4 Stations, 1 Person

Hello everyone!!

So I didnt get much sleep last night and for some crazy reason I'm in this mood to share a little more about me. A few posts ago I wrote about my depression and how things in my life are without my meds and all that good stuff. well this time i wanted to explain a little more about the craziness that is in my mind. As the title says 6,4,1.

6Voices:
I have 6 different personalities. Luckily, the meds suppress them. I have Fun Flirty Aidin. Sporty Aidin. Sexy Sultry Aidin. Business-like Aidin. Silly Aidin. And finally Crazy Depressed Aidin
Fun Flirty Aidin is a side of me that like to have fun and play around. Sporty Aidin isnt seen much...I'm just not that sporty. Sexy Sultry Aidin likes coming out lately...she likes to dress up and get attention. Business-Like Aidin is how I am at work or when I want to get things done. No nonsense, messing around kinda thing. Silly Aidin is seen too much, she is the one that likes to fool around. Crazy-Depressed Aidin is suppressed with all the different meds I'm on. She's not a good person to be seen.....she's phyco!

4Stations:
The 4 different stations is a strange thing in my head. I have the Talk Show, The Movie Channel, The PRBS (Puerto Rican Broadcast Station), and The XM Radio.
The Talk Show is where the different personalities are always talking. Plus Shannon is in there somewhere telling me to quiet doubting myself or something.
The Movie Channel is where I have movies playing at an almost constant play. Someone can say a line or something like that and I can have a movie in my head.
The PRBS, well that's the part of my brain where I can see TV shows all the time. Like TMC say a line and I can think of a show.
The XM Radio....hehehe I have music playing in my head so much.
So you can see why i have trouble sleeping. All of these stations playing pretty much at one time would drive a lot of people nuts.

1 Person:
I'm only one person and I have a lot of mental problems. I'm not handicapped or anything like that but it can get in the way. I've been dealing with this for years and I know it's not something most people talk about but I felt like I should express myself a little more. Actually I think I'm doing this post because of lack of sleep and a caffeine high. I want every0one to know that's ok. You're not crazy, as society will have people think, but different. My doctor has told me it's ok the have the different voices in your head as long as 1) you dont listen to them and 2) you dont name them. I think i'm doing good in that realm.

So there you go, a little more inside my head. Hope it entertained you.