tribute to my family

Love you Shannon and Logan!!

Depression

So a lot of you know I'm a depressant. Actually I'm very close to be bi-polor. I've had enough testing done to know Im not healthy mentally. I'm not violent but I can have my moments where I dont want you near me. Mostly because I dont want to lash out at you. My life has been a series of roller coasters since I was 12 years old. I was told I was depressed mainly because I had a shitty childhood. I'm not getting into detail of it.

I started seeing help at age 12. Age 14 I quiet because I felt it wasnt helping. Age 15 I went back on my meds and at age 16 I was put in a hospital (Baker Acted) because I wanted to kill myself. When I was 17, however, I was so damn happy. I love everything in my life. Until I turned 18. I was back off my meds and seriously depressed again but I didnt care. I didnt care if I lived or died as long as I got to live my life.

When I turned 23, I got pregnant with my son. I went to my doctor at the time and told him that I have a history of depression and I needed to be on something so I didnt suffer post pardom depression and risk hurting my son. I didnt realise how my life was on and off my meds until I went back on them.

I first started off on Lexapro, but my body got use to it and we switched to Prozac. It wasnt doing anything and now Im on Zoloft. On Saturday Jan 15th I did a prescription order. I was suppose to get it that Wed. I went Thursday but it wasnt ready. I returned Friday and I got my meds. I didnt check my scripts. Saturday when I was refilling my pill tablet I realized I didnt have my Zoloft. It was too late to call to get the script filled. I called Sunday and they said they were waiting on my doctor to fax over a script. Monday rolled around and I still didnt have my pills. Now it's Tuesday and my pills are finally ready to be picked up.

I noticed a few things while I was off....I'm not a happy person. My father came up to me to give me a hug and I almost slapped him across the face. I just didnt want to be touched. My son tried to get a hug and I pushed him away...again I didnt want to be touched. I couldnt sleep, had the worst kind of nightmares. I was in pain all over my body. I felt low. All in all I just wasnt a happy person.

Here's some signs of Depression:

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

1. difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
   fatigue and decreased energy
2. feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
3. feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
4. insomnia, early-morning
5. wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
6. irritability, restlessness
7. loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
8. overeating or appetite loss
9. persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive
10. problems that do not ease even with treatment persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
11. thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

1) I was good. 2)I was feeling it a bit. 3)I was feeling it. 4)Defiantly! 5)The wakefulness. 6)I was restless. 7) moving on lol 8) Im not sure which I was...I seemed to be the same. 9)like I said i was in a lot of pain. 10)anxiety 11)No suicidal thoughts...great!

I was thinking that one day what I would love to be is a motivational speaker of depression. I want to go to high schools and talk to kids and tell them that high is only 4 years of your life and life does go on afterwards. That the kids making fun of you in high school might not be worth crap when you see them at your 10 year reunion. I want them to understand that you can beat it, you dont have to let it beat you. I'm walking proof that depression cannot live my life. I make everything count...well at least to me. I also realised that with depression you can't make everyone happy. You have to be happy with who you are to make your life mean something. If someone doesnt like something you say or do just shrug it off and say "I'm sorry I can't make you happy but I'm not put on this earth to make everyone happy, just myself." It took me years to understand that. My parents are the MAIN source of my depression because I'm still, to this day, not good enough for them. I'm always doing something wrong. It took me years to understand I didn't hate my brother, I hate the way my mom treated me with him. I am the oldest so therefore I the one that always did everything wrong. I was suppose to teach him how to do everything. Well they're the parents, not me.

I want everyone to understand that not everything in life is not your fault. Sometimes, life is a bitch and you have to work around it. You have to make things happen and you have to move on no matter what. I was teased my whole life because of my weight but now I'm just like you either like it not..not my problem. Im happy and you cant bring me down because your life sucks.

I want everyone to know that this is not me preaching, this is me being me and telling you how my life is and how I have beaten depression and how I know I can live my life no matter who's in it and how they wish to bring me down. I will walk tall!

Explanation

And just so most of you know...I did get back on my pills.